Love...

Yeah, I know... Its been awhile. Don't worry I'm still alive, and legally sane!

I've been thinking alot the past few months... About Sarah, and other females. I've been in two relationships since her, and neither of them felt right, maybe it's just my self confidence, I dunno.

Fuck it, I'll tell you the truth, if you're reading this then you deserve as much. I'm still in love with her... Sounds fucked up right? Its been over a year since we broke up, and one thing I've noticed is every time I try to tell a woman "I love you", I cant do it without feeling like I'm lying. And I guess that's exactly what I was doing.

I can't love more than one person at once... And I'm not sure I'll ever stop loving her. I just have this feeling that shes the only one for me, that if we got back together... Maybe it would work out... Every time I think about the possibility of her falling in love with another man, it tears me apart... And yet I feel like if I tell her any of this, it'll come off all stalkerish.

I'm not a creeper, or a stalker, nor would I ever do anything to hurt her, ever, ever, ever. If she does fall in love with someone else, that's her right... I just wish I could grow the balls to tell her this shit... I still carry her photos she gave me for basic in my wallet, I look at them every day. Before I go to bed every night I pray for god to create some sort of opportunity for us to get back together.

And every time I see her, I cant say it, I'm afraid if I do, and she doesn't react in the way I so desperately want her too, we wouldn't be friends at all. I don't know whats worse, the glass wall separating us, or not being able to see her in any way at all... I don't care if she goes to Florida for college, I'd douse myself in gasoline and walk through hell and back for this girl, I truly love her more than anything else on this planet. I would do whatever I needed to, to make it work.

I still have this blanket I was sewing for her, half finished from the Army. I was going to give it to her for our anniversary, but she left me... Or maybe it's more accurate to say I left her. When I joined the Army I didn't think of the what it could mean to my friends and family, I joined for selfish reasons... I guess in a way I abandoned her. I would go back in time and change it all if I could... My biggest two regrets in life are joining the Army, and leaving the Army...

Dammit... I just don't know what to do guys. The only thing I'm certain of in life, is that I love her...