*fucking sigh*

I don't know guys... I just don't know... Does she even know how I still feel about her? This is all just fucking stupid probably. What if she doesnt want anything to do with me? She said in her blog the only reason she dated me was "I guess I started going out with my current boyfriend because he's just...always been there, y'know? And we share tragic pasts"

What does that make me? A pathetic dweeb who cant let go? Probably. I just keep getting the feeling that I had my dream girl, and I fucked it all up... I fucked everything up... She was the only thing that kept me out of trouble in the Army, I knew if I did something stupid it would get back to her. She meant everything to me, and I guess I just have security issues...

Shes probably moved on, meanwhile I'm still exactly where I left off two years ago. Time just sorta stopped for me... It's all so fucking stupid. I don't know why I cant let another girl into my life, I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid of being emotionally devastated again, or if it's because I'm still in love with her... Like I said it's fucking stupid, I shouldn't be this weak...

*sigh* I guess I'll see you guys later. Oh BTW, I'm working on putting a story I've been working on for awhile on the net here, so check back in about a month and I'll have the first chapter maybe. Till then, or whenever I decide to vent again, farewell.

-PFC Nobody.

Love...

Yeah, I know... Its been awhile. Don't worry I'm still alive, and legally sane!

I've been thinking alot the past few months... About Sarah, and other females. I've been in two relationships since her, and neither of them felt right, maybe it's just my self confidence, I dunno.

Fuck it, I'll tell you the truth, if you're reading this then you deserve as much. I'm still in love with her... Sounds fucked up right? Its been over a year since we broke up, and one thing I've noticed is every time I try to tell a woman "I love you", I cant do it without feeling like I'm lying. And I guess that's exactly what I was doing.

I can't love more than one person at once... And I'm not sure I'll ever stop loving her. I just have this feeling that shes the only one for me, that if we got back together... Maybe it would work out... Every time I think about the possibility of her falling in love with another man, it tears me apart... And yet I feel like if I tell her any of this, it'll come off all stalkerish.

I'm not a creeper, or a stalker, nor would I ever do anything to hurt her, ever, ever, ever. If she does fall in love with someone else, that's her right... I just wish I could grow the balls to tell her this shit... I still carry her photos she gave me for basic in my wallet, I look at them every day. Before I go to bed every night I pray for god to create some sort of opportunity for us to get back together.

And every time I see her, I cant say it, I'm afraid if I do, and she doesn't react in the way I so desperately want her too, we wouldn't be friends at all. I don't know whats worse, the glass wall separating us, or not being able to see her in any way at all... I don't care if she goes to Florida for college, I'd douse myself in gasoline and walk through hell and back for this girl, I truly love her more than anything else on this planet. I would do whatever I needed to, to make it work.

I still have this blanket I was sewing for her, half finished from the Army. I was going to give it to her for our anniversary, but she left me... Or maybe it's more accurate to say I left her. When I joined the Army I didn't think of the what it could mean to my friends and family, I joined for selfish reasons... I guess in a way I abandoned her. I would go back in time and change it all if I could... My biggest two regrets in life are joining the Army, and leaving the Army...

Dammit... I just don't know what to do guys. The only thing I'm certain of in life, is that I love her...