Hooray for Photos?

Me with my unit at the National Guard YLTA last week, it just hit me that you guys have never seen a real pic of me.

Stupendous.

Well I have to admit, I feel alot better then I did 6 months ago when I just tried to bottle everything up. Although I exploded in the process of venting all the frustration of the past year, the pressure is more manageable. I just wish I had alittle more self-control so the people I care about wouldn't get hit by the splash effect my outbursts have. I have begun building myself from the ground up again. Once I have some success in life I'll keep going for more.

Once I graduate with my associates that will give me a big boost in confidence,

I've started karate again, and now that I've shaken off the dust I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I start ranking up again,

In a few months I'll make specialist in the Guard, I'm looking forward to it.

I hope I can rebuild any bridges I've burned, my friends deserve who I used to be, an impenetrable fortress built on morals and guided by a golden heart, I hope I can be that person again, over the years they've helped me alot, more then I ever helped them, and my loyalty has waned lately, don't worry guys... I'm commin home.

So what next?

I have to admit, this type of blogging is foreign to me, I usually write about what's happened, not what's happening right ow. If me and sarah were friends with a shitload of water under our mutual bridge, I'm not sure what'd you call us now. *sigh* maybe it'd have been better if I never found her blog, but there's one thing I still hold to which I think is critical: the truth may hurt more at first, but over time it does much less damage.

I just wish I could take a printout of that blog to myself about 7 months ago.

Ouch...

So I'm gonna start blogging again, I stopped due to a lack of willpower to do anything and everything. My Girlfriend broke up with me.

Before today I wasn't sure how I felt about her, if I loved her still, or hated her for breaking my heart, or how she felt about me. Then I found her blog.

Its pretty clear she has a few regrets, but it seems we still have one big thing in common, we are both terrified of being alone. Except it had opposite effects on us, whereas it drove me much closer to her, I might as well have been on the moon to her.

So once again I find myself in an open prison, my broken heart.

I hit the ground hard but I've gotten back up. As to whether we can be friends, I'd like to think of it as possible, but what she did really hurt me. Part of me wants to forget the whole ordeal and pretend it never happened.

For awhile I dealt with severe depression, I started looking at my guns in a very dangerous way, those thoughts still cross my mind, but only fleetingly, and never seriously. The break-up wasn't the only thing, Smith died because of my lack of action, I was dealing with survivors guilt and PTSD. I would be in a totally normal place (like a restaurant), when all of a sudden I would hear whole platoons scream "YES DRILL SERGEANT!!!"

It really freaked me the fuck out for awhile, it hasn't happened in awhile though. Right now I might still be considered damaged goods (physically and mentally lol) but soon I'll be stronger then ever before. Once my GI bill is used up and I have a nice shiny degree, I'm just gonna disappear. Peace core, Merchant Mariners, Mercenary work, hell maybe I'll re-enlist, there are alot of options out there, but fuck staying here. Life has shown me none of it has meaning. Maybe I no longer want to fall in love, start a family. Perhaps that life is gone forever. Maybe it isn't.

All I know is that there's too much hurt for me to stay here once I'm done with school. Hopefully the VA can patch up my ankle or cut it off and give me a prosthetic by that time so I can run, I'm in the process of loosing mad weight also...

I know how this is coming off; kinda like "well fuck you all I'm better than you!" But trust me, the truth is really only TOO clear to me; nobodies better than anyone in this world, we all have our roles to play in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes we are all equally worthless. Since she broke up with me my emotions have basically been going through a form of cancer, in the process of killing it much of my capacity for love, self-esteem, and empathy has died. I'm not sure if I want any of it back. Its like a broken record, I fall in love, get burned and start the process over. There are only three ways to break the cycle:

1) Find true love (true love can be described as MUTUAL unconditional love), good luck with that.

2) Work it out in your mind that love and happiness are all temporary and that the end result brings more pain then any pleasure received over its course (we'll call this a defensive mechanism the brain implements in the form of the Hedonistic Pleasure theory).

and..

3) Die! Obviously that solves all your immediate problems but opens up a whole slew of long term ones! (decomposition, civil disenfranchisement, unemployment, necrophiliacs, etc, etc).

I'm pretty sure 3 isn't the way to go, right now I'm stuck somewhere between 1 and 2. If I could feel true love again... Then maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could give another go at option 1. But so far the only people who have expressed interest are either mentally decap, or extremely obese. Well there's this one other girl, but shes seeing someone and I sure as hell ain't gonna pull a Jody on someone, so I turned her down. I'm hoping once this weight is off I'll be able to attract someone a little better.

There's another issue though... Part of me is saying I really don't ever have a shot at anything but emotional severance. If I could describe myself in two words, it'd be bland and static, and yet my ideal girl would be exciting and dynamic... Will I ever regain the capacity to love again? Only time will tell, but for right now I'll do whatever I have to too keep my head above the water.

And Sarah, if you should happen to stumble upon this like I stumbled on your blog... I don't resent you for breaking up with me, I resent what you did, but I don't resent you. I resent lieing to me, giving me false hope, and telling quite literally everyone but me that you were breaking up with me once I was home (even my grandmother in florida knew before me, literally). If you had just said "hey listen bill, your a good guy but I just don't think we have enough in common, etc, etc," I would have dealt with it a hell of a lot better. If you believe you had legit reasons to break up with me, great, I would have respected your decision. But you had no legit reason to pour all that extra salt in my wounds when all I ever wanted was to love you in every way possible.

You know... It may sound corny, but I used to daydream about you at Ft. Benning all the time. Of me stepping off the bus and you leaping into my arms and us just holding each other for eternity, no words or anything, just the most pure love and connection any two people could possibly feel... It would warm my heart, put a smile on my face when absolutely nothing else could... Now just imagine holding that perfect picture of love and compassion up in the air, so high it touches the sun, glittering with an infinite amount of moments just like those in the future, then imagine it being smashed into a tiny thousand pieces on a hard concrete floor. That's what happened to my heart.

I'm done trying to glue it back together. Perhaps it's time for me to write a new chapter in my life.